motherhood and personhood

BEST- Sitting in meeting, centering, I experienced the Spirit gifting me clarity and speaking to my condition, both as a mom and as a person. Untangling the reasons behind my walking away from our home meeting, and seeking the Spirit’s wisdom, I did not have long to wait. Personhood and motherhood are two separate issues, and my walking away from a power struggle needed to be looked at on two levels.

As a parent, my responsibility to God consists of training up my children in the way they should go, not breaking their spirit through control, manipulation, or domination, but lovingly, firmly, and gently inviting them to be who they were created to be. In my responsibilities as a parent, there needs to be natural consequences to the 13 year old stepping out of his responsibilities as a child and trying to plant himself as my parent. He has chosen to disrupt the parent-child relationship; I do not need to be punitive to force him back into the right order of the relationship, or appeasing to woo him back into that relationship. He has choice, and there are natural consequences to his natural choices. In this instance, the cost is a mom who chooses not to facilitate his desire for a ride to Algebra breakfast club. In other instances it might look like a mom who grounds him from electronics, or requires extra chores, or an essay explaining his actions, or sentences to help him understand the right order of relationships.

When I am the one who disrupts the parent-child relationship with my disrespect of his personhood, it is my responsibility to acknowledge my actions, ask forgiveness, turn from what provoked my irresponsible and unloving behavior, and re-establish relationship. He has the same responsibilities, and, as an adolescent, he is old enough to be accountable for his actions. If I parent well, the parenting will facilitate my spiritual journey and growth as a human, if I parent well, he may learn that God is a loving God who seeks our presence. Failure in parenting is not equal to not parenting well; not admitting the truth of failure in parenting is equal to not parenting well. A piece of parenting well, to me, is embracing the truth and reality of my humanness and my failures, and staying present to my sons, with an eye toward training them and delighting in them.

Now that the older boys are reaching adolescence, and we are rightly separating, the other level of relationship needs to be addressed more fully. Respecting each others personhood is separate from respecting the parent-child relationship. When L asked me to share my insights, thoughts, and feelings on hierarchical relationships, he was respecting my personhood, the gifting God has placed within me, and the emotional work that I have chosen to do. L and I have learned, the hard way, about mutuality in relationship, and that honoring someone’s gifting is honoring the One who gave the gift. When the older boys silenced me, they were dishonoring my personhood. The 13 year old chose to escalate the encounter by trying to dominate the interaction, which turns it from seeking truth for all, to a win/lose situation. And I chose to walk away, rather than force him to acknowledge my personhood and gifting.

How can acknowledging one’s personhood and gifting be forced? I don’t think it can be, yet, how often have I stayed in environments where I am not respected or heard? The cost was to the 13 year old, myself, and the rest of the family. He has the right to disagree with my interpretation of the 6th Commandment, he has the right and the obligation to work out his own faith, he does not have the right to silence me, and I do not have the right to silence him, belittle his faith, or his personhood. When we choose to do that to each other, the divine rule of nature is subverted and we sin. The natural consequence of the sin is the loss of relationship, the loss of the learning that we facilitate in each other, and the mutual seeking and experience of Truth that is lost.

I long for an intimate relationship with my sons. I do not want that longing to be perverted. When the power of domination and control rears its ugly head, I want to choose walking away from the power struggle. A relationship of superficiality is more honoring than any of us casting our pearls of giftedness in front of those who refuse to see them. Intimate relationships are based on mutuality in honoring and sharing. As God calls me to squander my gifts, I gladly will, but only at God’s calling. To squander my personhood based on my longing for intimate relationship is to whore that which God has given me. Where is honoring the Creator in that?

Best, in this process for me, is clarity on personhood and motherhood. Best for me is understanding the natural progression from parent-child relationship, to person-to-person relationships with the boys as they grow up. And the natural sorting out of those relationships levels of intimacy, based on mutuality and adult respect for each other. Best is the spiritual growth that comes from seeking how to honor the Creator and live out who I was created to be, trusting the One who created me in the process

Comments

[james]

This is a beautiful post! There is so much depth to what you are saying here and it deserves to be heard more than it is. I talked to people here about redeeming "motherhood" and "fatherhood" and you articulate it so much more clearly here than I have been able to. No doubt I will pinch all of your vocabulary and use it in the future and I will see more light bulbs go on.

This ties in so well with what I am thinking about ecclesial structures and leadership too. I am always amazed that the letter to the Ephesians did not really encourage people to "go to church" or even speak out against Artemis (the pre-eminant godess of the City according to Acts). There is none of the things we would expect to hear in a contemporary church structure in advice found in the epistle. But we read a lot about husbands and wives and parents and children, etc. I think that the author is trying to tell us something very subtle about what it means to live as the people of God in a pagan culture and it has very little to do with an institution.

I like this post very much. It will be a "best" for me today as well. Thanks for sharing.

[Jim Sturges Sr]

ReverendRef and I exchanged comments over some interpretations of today's gospel (Mt 13 "A prophet is despised only in his own country and in his own house.") Parenting is so well described in those words. Grandparenting is a LOT easier: the parents and the grandchildren have learned to love and respect the elder, and a gentle word is all that is required to correct.

Anj, your approach is right on. If more parents took the time to consider what they do and how they do it, in trying to establish communication with their children, we would have many fewer broken relationships among parents and children. You're coming up with some great book material, too!

Keep up the good work!

[idelette]

Wow.

"To squander my personhood based on my longing for intimate relationship is to whore that which God has given me." How few understand this and are strong enough not to give in to it.

And I agree--this stuff is great book material.

[Loretta]

Your writing is so eloquent and profound. I think of what you have described between parent and child as a dance. I see myself coming closer while they pull away, then the music swells and changes and they return for a dip, a spin, maybe even a waltz. More often a polka, a herky-jerky two-step around the dance floor of life. Thanks for sharing such intimate and loving posts with us.

[anj]

James, Feel free to pinch away, I, too, am struck by how your blogging tied into this revelation for me. Jim, thanks for the encouragement, it means more than you know. Idelette, trust that you would pick that sentence out - it encapsulates a large part of my story, I love how you see. And Loretta, yes, the dance - i woke up this morning with your words in my mind, I want to dance in fun ways with them now that the actual dancing days are mostly over. Thank you for your words.