ambivalence of my heart

WORST- There seems to be much worst around me these days. Here and here and here. But the examen requires personal worst. The worst of my heart, that points to my own seeking to find life in ways apart from the Light of Jesus.

When I divorced I knew it was God’s best and I also knew it was sin. Yes, I had scriptural basis for a divorce, my ex-spouse was unfaithful and had long ago left the covenant of marriage. Yet, the Spirit did not release me from that marriage because of those circumstances. My theology, I know, is different than some others. It is less about answers and more about questions, less about the law, and more about love, less about hiding my sin, and more about bringing it into the Light, it is, often, about doing the wrong thing for the right reason. All this to explain why I felt the Spirit of God released me from that marriage. It was killing me, it was killing him, and it was causing great instability in our children’s lives. I did not know the whole story then, I am sure I do not know it now. It was a marriage based on lies, and deceit and a dance of mutual destruction. Divorce was not an easy choice for me, I have met few who are divorced for whom it was an easy choice. We were separated two and one half years until I knew the Spirit told me “It’s over.” Two and a half years of riding the roller coaster of my inability to wait, his inability to seek help, my inability to keep my heart tender in a place of destruction. Meanwhile, three little boys were stuck in that amusement park of terror also. In my pride, I could not admit that I had failed my marriage or my God of the law. I did not have what it took to love in that place, I could not receive from Jesus what it took to love in that place. A divorce was the wrong thing for the right reason.

One of my favorite stories has always been the women with the alabaster jar, I imagine I know that place, I long to love unashamedly my Saviour, I can wet his feet with my tears but to sit on his lap is still too hard. Real Live Preacher -- here interpreted that story in a way the Spirit used to speak to my condition and freed me to put my rather unorthodox faith on display.

My statement of faith is I want to follow Him, He has the words of Eternal Life, and I am human and thus, broken and wanting. But He loves me in my broken places, and I adore Him. That is what I know to be true, I also know that not every broken place always feels His life and Light.

Yesterday, it was about wanting to see a sign that He cares for my sons. There was, by law, supposed to be a life-insurance policy for the boys. Six months after I re-married and moved the boys to Australia, their dad let it lapse. It was a good sum, plenty to put them through college of their choices and give them a bit to start life with. I suppose initially I hoped it would be a legacy, something tangible to prove to them that their father loved them, although he was too wounded to live that love. Through research after his death, I discovered a new policy had been taken out in October of 2003, his new wife as the beneficiary. The boys had a claim on that policy. Yesterday, my attorney informed me the insurance company has denied paying the claim, they had the right to examine the application due to the timing of teh policy and the death, and there were some discrepancies in the application. The original policy, had it still been in force, would have been paid. We can, and will appeal.

I am trying to tell myself that His currency is not money. I am able to tell myself that what L gives to the boys in relationship is worth far more than a college education from any prestigious school. I am trying to tell myself that I know God provides, I have lived that truth, He will provide for my sons, even if it means He does that through providing a job to me again as they go through school. I am able to tell myself that all the money in the world would not have been a legacy for them to hold onto as they work through their grief and pain over their dad and his choices. I am trying to tell myself that it is not about the money, that maybe the wrong thing has happened for the right reason.

But here and here and here I know that what I long to see is a tangible sign that God hears our cries, sees our condition, and is moved with compassion. I read that scenario over and over again through the Old Testament and the New. I pray, as I interact and listen to stories, that I will do the same, hear, see and be moved with compassion.

Worst for me is that, yesterday, the money represented more security to me than He does. That not having the insurance pay out, meant that somehow He does not see my sons struggle, that He does not give them a break. It’s bad theology, I know. It exposes a lot in me that is real, it is bringing where I seek life apart from Him into the light. It also hurts. I wait, again, for the Spirit to move into this brokenness and partner with me to be able to feel His Light and His love.

Barbara, a friend I wrote about here, used to ask me, in times of heartache, what is the gift to you in this? I want to see the gift in my sons’ lifes of their dad being such a loser. That is the ambivalence of my heart today.

Comments

[Stacey]

I don't know your theology, but what I see of your heart calls out to me to listen. And what I hear affirms me and brings me comfort.

The story of the woman who anoints Jesus' feet with tears and perfume is one of the most meaningful parts of the Bible for me. My theology isn't exactly orthodox, either. But I hope that someday when I meet my Lord face to face He will take me in His arms and tell me that my many sins are forgiven (and they are many)- because I loved much. For me, there could be no higher praise.

[anj]

Yes, I am with you on that last thought. I used to want to be told "Well done good and faithful servant." Now, I want to hear i love you, and say it back.

[stephanie]

On the weekend we were talking with a group and the story was being shared about drinking the cup - quoting from Henry Nouwen's book.
I think of that as I read this blog.
Hopes, dreams, disappointments, pain, questions that will never have answers.
This triggers something in me that is being changed deep within - letting go and seeking a simplicity that doesn't come without pain.
You give your sons such richness - and have sacrificed to do that. Through this, are you not giving them yet again a mirror image of the One who has shown what sacrifice looks like.
Bless you
I send you a hug.

[Jocelyn]

anj-
What I hear from your post is so familiar... I've read it in my journal, seen it in the mirror and heard it in my own mind for the past year.

I wish so much that there was something I could say that was really wise and smart that could shed some light, or at least direct to where it is. But I can't. All I know is that in times like this it's all we can do to hang on tight and believe that God will make it mean something. Just like your friend asked you, "What is the gift for you in this," in times when it seems that there is nothing but brutal suffering and badness in the world, I cling to desperate hope that there is a meaning in this for me, and for you, and for those we love.

[anj]

Thanks Jocelyn. Clinging to desperate hope, that says it well.

Stephanie, I like that book, another gift from Wes. Thanks for putting those together and the hug.