light and words

A month or so ago, I agreed to host Renee Altson on a virtual book tour to celebrate her newly released book, Stumbling Toward Faith: My Longing To Heal From the Evil That God Allowed(Zondervan/EmergentYS). The book came to my house, a gift in appreciation from Zondervan and begging to be read, the back book cover used the words I have so often used to describe my own journey, “working out my salvation with fear and trembling”. Skimming quickly the first time, so I would know what surprises lurked between the covers, breathing out and in as I finished it, and then, starting over again. The second time through the book was less of a quick drive through- meal and more of a picnic. A picnic through darkness, light, the absence of the sun, searing heat, and driving rain. I found myself giving the book more time because the words and the story deserved and invited my full attention and presence. In the pages I wrestled with God, and the pain that we, the people of His creation, inflict on the innocent and helpless. As the back cover of the book says:

“why does god allow evil to exist?
where is justice?
where is healing?
what is the point of faith? Of belief?”

Renee’s is a story that I want to honor, and collect in my heart, so I can be softened and changed more into the likeness of One who declared the little children to be worth His time.

Yesterday, Chris (desert pastor) at Paradoxology hosted Renee. In one of his comments he stated the crux so clearly, “Renee -- when it comes to those "up-front" letting down their guard, it may well be they created this reality for themselves, or... -they accepted what was being imposed upon them. Either way, I think you're dead-on about the change coming "from inside." This reminds me of how important I think it is for us to pray "from the inside, out" -- focusing on the condition of our own souls rather than practicing a type of prayer that is preoccupied with giving God a "To-Do List." So many people are afraid of what's "inside" -- but that's where I think books like Stumbling Toward Faith can really help.”

Best and worst is part of a practice to help me find what is inside, what gives me life, where I see the Spirit more clearly, where my shadow side is. Renee has chosen to seek best and worst for her also, in this space, today.

renee altson’s best and worst, a gift to me and to us:

best: the glass dimly: the smell of patchouli, the feeling of a felt
tip pen, candle light like prayers crying out in the darkness. these
moments with something bigger than me, half-crouched, head bent, a
writing i almost do not recognise.

worst: the glass dimly: loneliness, misunderstanding, the inability to
trust another. my god is inhuman. i don't know how to love. candles
are not words.

...

worst: this connection, this vulnerable gaping emptiness, how can i
begin to reconcile two opposing things? i fear, i ache. there is so
much i want that i don't know how to reach for. i cower. it comes near
then flitters away, it hides underneath who i think i must be. i have
poured this out, as an offering. i have left myself wide open.

best: this connection, this ability to be filled. i tell so that i may
be heard. i tell so that i may hear. us, together, the same path, the
same resistance. us, in darkness, our own silent scrawlings, our own
half-bent sobs, together in the same room, i am not alone. i am not
beyond the reach of you. you burn candles, too.

Thank you Renee for sharing your God-Light with us, for sharing your story in your book, and for honoring us with the light and dark of your struggle toward faith. May your story cause us to examine our hearts and open our ears and eyes to the silent cries of those who come in contact with. May your story start to give us courage to walk in the Light, in the midst of so much darkness.

Photo by Renee Altson.

Renee's book tour continues Monday at PoMoMuSiNgS. More details of the tour are here.

Comments

[bobbie]

i'm lighting a candle for you today renee.

through a glass dimly - my favorite words.

[L]

Thanks Anj for hosting and thanks Renee for your best and worst - I really attached to your best - "a writing i almost do not recognise."

[renee]

thanks, anj.

[anj]

you are welcome.

[rick]

I thought her book was intense and profound. She has a way with a pen. Wow, was left speechless.

Rick

[Chris (DesertPastor)]

Anj, I loved the approach that you and Renee developed for today -- probing, revealing, contemplative.

The thoughts shared reminded me of the mysterious addage: o felix culpa -- o fortunate crime.

Maybe stumbling toward faith is helping us to get a better grip on that.

[Jim]

Went Saturday to try and buy the book here locally, but had no success. Ordered it tonight from Amazon. Hope it goes a little faster than the one I ordered by the Preacher. Still waiting on that one..........

hey jim, i'm thrilled that you bought the book. i'm sorry it wasn't available locally. my only hope is that it was sold out in your area, not that your area didn't get it! did you try xian bookstores in your area? or barnes and noble? i'd love to know the details so i can pass them on to folks who need to know that my friends can't buy it in their local area! thanks...

[renee]

oops jim, and that comment was from me, renee. :) and, yes, it was redundant. i've been sick!

[anj]

thank you all for your comments and renee for sharing your gift with us. and thanks for the connection of candle light and Light light.