At Linwood House, in November of 2004, I stated that I wanted to construct and live the feminine face of God. Construct seemed an odd word to choose, a deep contrast to feminine, other verbs seemed much more suitable, yet it seemed the Breath of the Spirit was whispering ‘construct’. And as I am more present, and truly hear the stories, both mine and others, of how patriarchy wounds; and as I live in the reality that matriarchy would wound also; and as I worship with Quakers, who are committed to equality, for the first time in my life, I am experiencing some relief from the shame of being born a woman. The shame of being born one who was not deemed worthy by a patriarchal church of being responsible for her own actions, or being whole without a mate. The shame of being denied priesthood because of my gender. And as I am experiencing the reality of not being able to hide behind that lack of responsibility because of my gender, I am finding that it is a terrible, wonderful thing to fall into the hands of a living God. And the hammer that I have, I want to weld in a way that constructs an example of what a life, and a marriage, and parenting, and friendship, and spiritual nurturing, and faith community, and being looks like when it is dedicated to the equality that I believe Jesus lived for. I have left the patriarchal church, because I can no longer enable a culture that will not see the destructiveness to the souls of both men and women caused by practical inequality.
With this decision, it has become very clear
to me that my deepest desire is to walk with the wounded, risen Christ. Wounded and risen
seem to encompass a part of the tension, a part of the both ends, of the Jesus
I know. And as I seek out the feminine Divine, the piece of God that has been
destroyed and feared through the ages, I want to seek in a way that honors the
fullness of God, seek in a way that constructs the Truth of who I know the
Divine to be. My human tendency, our human tendency is to react to non-truth
and abuse in a pendulum swing – thus the feminine might replace the bondage of
patriarchy. The ways my understanding of the feminine face of God has changed
since Linwood House has to do with understanding that it is in holding the
tension of both male and female, the beyond gender and fully gender Divine,
that the feminine face and the masculine face of the Divine can find full
expression and full freedom. So the verb construct begins to make sense,
because construction is about building in balance, in the tension of gravity
and pressure. Constructing and living the feminine face of God, as I walk with
the wounded risen Christ, is about building what has been lost, in balance, in
the tension of the fullness of the Imago Dei that both man and woman carry
within their keep. If none of what I wrote above makes sense, it is because I
do not have the words for what the Spirit is revealing to me in this matter.
But some of the words were provided for me this morning in the poem my friend
Paul e-mailed to me.
I
searched on the web, I can’t find the author of these words. She states what I
am starting to see as how I want to live. What constructing and living the
feminine face of God means to me. Thank you, unknown woman who was inspired to
write this truth. I am sorry that I do not know your name. May you be blessed as you have been a blessing to me.
O
God,
through the image of a woman
crucified on the cross
I understand at last.
For
over half of my life
I have been ashamed
of the scars I bear.
These scars tell an ugly story,
a common story,
about a girl who is the victim
when a man acts out his fantasies.
In
the warmth, peace and sunlight of your presence
I was able to uncurl the tightly clenched fists.
For the first time
I felt your suffering presence with me
in that event.
I have known you as a vulnerable baby,
as a brother, and as a father.
Now I know you as a woman.
You were there with me
as the violated girl
caught in helpless suffering.
The
chains of shame and fear
no longer bind my heart and body.
A slow fire of compassion and forgiveness
is kindled.
My tears fall now
for man as well as woman.
You,
God
can make our violated bodies
vessels of love and comfort
to such a desperate man.
I am honoured
to carry this womanly power
within my body and soul.
You
were not ashamed of your wounds.
You showed them to Thomas
as marks of your ordeal and death.
I will no longer hide these wounds of mine.
I will bear them gracefully.
They tell a resurrection story.
Anonymous
We all bear these wounds. Let us bear them in truth.
If we do not live in equality, we cannot live in compassion, forgiveness, and justice.
Today is International Women's Day. Rachelle at Notes From a Truth Seeker has invited all, male and female, to join in a Grid Blog for International Women's Day that is dedicated to speaking our truths to dismantle patriarchy and give voice to equality. Here is her list of other blogs that are participating.
Powerful post that speaks truth. It speaks of celebration with such dignity and honor for all.
Posted by: stephanie | 03/08/2006 at 12:56 PM
thank you anj for your inspiring words... i absolutely love the idea of constructing...an act of creation. wow!
also, thanks for reminding us that choosing to remain a slave to the patriarchal system (especially in church) is a choice that makes us enablers and victims. instead let's be survivors and expose our wounds so that truth and healing may begin. beautiful poem.
Posted by: tonya | 03/08/2006 at 05:42 PM
In truth, I have never thought of Christ and the cross in the terms put forth here. He died for my sins. End of story. You bring a new quality to the tale, though, and one I can fully accept in the sense of being crucified "with" Christ, in the sense of "knowing (Him) in the fellowship of His sufferings. A great post, Anj........
Posted by: Jim | 03/09/2006 at 07:40 AM