As a young child, pre-teen, teen, and young adult I was a
terrible liar. And by terrible, I mean superb. I lied all the time, about what
I did, what I believed, and who I was. Mostly I lied to my parents. It became a
way of survival, I thought, certainly a way of life. In my first marriage, as
you might imagine, it became a severe liability. Honest relationship was hard
for me. But the Spirit of Christ, the Holy Spirit, was beginning to show me
this pattern was betrayal of my deepest values, betrayal of who I was, and what
I knew to be important, betrayal of the Eternal Truth written on my heart. So,
for the last twenty years, I have struggled to come clean, to live openly and
honestly, as far as is possible in the Light that I have, without pretense.
When my children were young, I wanted to nurture a different
path for them. One day when the oldest was probably four or five, I watched
guilt on his face; if I pressed him for the truth, he would almost certainly lie.
Knowing from experience the Life found in obeying the biblical injunction to
confess our sins to each other so that we may be healed, I prayed and asked for
Wisdom. It seems as if Wisdom answered. “Safe time” were the words I heard. For
me, it was a radical concept. Within the family, any individual could call for
safe time; time to confess without fear of retribution, penance or severing of
relationship. We have lived honoring
“safe time” for the last twelve years, and I have been stretched. Stretched by the need to swallow my words of “How could you?” and trust that while my parental
consequences might change behavior, the Spirit’s conviction that led to a
request for safe time would bring a change of heart. “Safe time” has never been
abused, or used to escape consequence. Mostly, it has been used to confess a
transgression that I was not aware of, yet weighed heavily on a young heart.
When L and I married,
we learned that “safe time” would probably be sought with me first, and then I
would encourage the child I was speaking with to seek “safe time” with L.
Usually, I would state that if they had not spoken with him in a certain amount
of time, I would need to bring the child and L together and facilitate the
conversation. There would be no triangulation in this process, and no
inequality in which one parent was deemed safer. Because I know we are both
safe, and I trust that the Light of the Spirit is greater than either L or I. The
boys’ father was never a part of safe time, although he often called me and
confessed. But as much as he might like to have been, he was not safe, there
was always uncertainty as to whether he would be in a space that could offer
mercy, so I never encouraged the boys to include him in the custom.
A week or so ago, the 14 year old came to me late at night, and asked for safe time. I put down my book and listened to a serious confession. A confession of a transgression I would have never known if 14 had chosen not to avail himself of this family tradition. I listened, and I felt a little used, a little angry that there could be no consequence, it was hard to be silent, to still my automatic response of “How could you?” and to press into the Spirit asking for compassion. At the same time, I realized the 14 year old was honoring our relationship, his relationship with eternal Truth, and himself by coming clean. I asked “When are you going to tell Faj?” As L came up the stairs from the basement, 14 cornered him and told him.
Yesterday, while reading Canto VII of Dante’s Inferno, the discussion
turned to Dante’s understanding of condemnation, and ours. Always in a conversation
of this sort, I feel the unspoken questioning of the boys “Where is dad? What happened to him after he died?” Yesterday, I answered from a new place, an internal place
of gratitude that I could trust God to straddle mercy and judgment in ways that
are beyond my grasp. And then live in
the tension of that trust and that truth.
This morning, I woke up holding those who have died in pain
and those who live in pain in the Light. Praying for safe time to be entered
into for all; thankful for Wisdom who has brought safe time to our house and
sons who avail themselves appropriately of this sanctuary.
So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. For judgement will be without mercy to anyone who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgement. James 2: 12-13 NRSV
Your description of "safe time" hits me hard. I can feel the Spirit behind it. For me, at least, extending such a liberty to others feels like a form of resisting not evil (Matthew 5:39) and thereby permitting reconciliation to happen.
I am glad you are doing this, and glad you were moved to share it. I will watch for ways to integrate this same practice into my own life.
Posted by: Marshall Massey (Iowa YM [C]) | 02/19/2007 at 09:05 PM
Marshall - Thank you. I am glad safe time spoke to you.
Posted by: anj | 02/21/2007 at 02:43 PM