living on both ends - an exploration of best and worst

Anger and Courage

"Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage.
Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are."
- St. Augustine

gifts in the midst

BEST- Second chances. There are multiple second chances occuring in my world. During our morning time of retirement, this was the phrase that kept surfacing, asking me to pay attention and be grateful. There is a lot of chaos in the world right now. A sense of disruption in our lives too. But there is also a deep sense of a gift, of time to have daily times of retirement together, seeking Truth in our morning Meeting for Worship with a concern for vocation. Time to watch over 30 Christmas movies, time for L to accompany me to my Doctor appointment, time for me to career coach and give an ear to L’s process, time to discern and listen to our path with the 18 year old, time to take the 16 year old to work, to drive, to listen as Way opens to his maturation and his hopes and fears. Time to veg on the sofa with the 14 year old, watching cooking shows or ridiculous spy shows like “Burn Notice.”

After a season of no time, of too much illness, too much work, too many stressors, now there is time to re-connect, heal and enjoy the crucible and the fruit thereof.

I get that. In the midst of everything else, I fully get how privileged we are.

disappointments and beauty missed

WORST- The view from my window is an ice-encased bare apple tree. A great thaw is in process; so there is water that gathers glistens and then drops from its purchase on the slippery bark. The beauty is stunning and we all know that there may be a price to pay; too heavy-with-ice branches break.

Yesterday, I met with my rheumatologist. L was there too, which makes it more fun, and keeps me more honest in the recitation of my symptoms. We talked about national health care (he is for a single payer system, and totally getting rid of the insurance companies), Madoff and the stock market, L’s layoff, and, of yes, my health.

Yes, I need blood tests. Yes, there are signs of disease activity. Yes, my wrists are swollen and there is physical evidence of joint disruption. Yes, my symptoms are indicative of increased illness. Yes, it would be wise to get back on medicine – how about Orencia? One of the bio-logics that I have not tried.

What have I tried? I have tried massage, yoga, nutrition, cleanses, guided imagery, supplements, energy work (both healing hands and bio-energetics), bee pollen, mind over matter,exercise, Prednesone, Methotrexate, Arava, Plaquenil, Enbrel, Remicade, Azulfidine. I’ve tried a lot, including thyroid cancer and surgery.  This list, while it seems long, is a normal, mayhap, short list for those who live with chronic illness. But each traditional or alternative remedy tried takes both time and energy. Time I have, but energy is often in short supply. So, I am sitting with the disappointment of my renewed need for medicine to live a physical life that works for me.

And sitting with that disappointment made it more difficult to be fully present at the “threshing session” our family had after dinner on the evening in question. The issue we were “threshing” was that of the 18 year old's return to university, based on some discussions we had with the freshman counselor in the office of the Dean of the business school. Through these discussions it had become evident that his temporary withdrawal could very likely become permanent, that no business credits from any other higher learning place would be accepted, which means his business school GPA would never rise. The decision we were looking at became very punitive, instead of a natural shoret term consequence. So, L and I made the decision to loan the 18 year old the money for next semester, if he wanted to return to this university, this business school.

At the same time, we wanted to acknowledge the impact of this decision on the family, and thus, the “threshing session”. Which I was somewhat disconnected from because I was deep in dealing with other disappointments. Needless to say I did not find the session fruitful. I was irritated and frustrated, and I am certain that irritation and frustration showed.

For the rest of the family, especially the brothers, it was fruitful. The 16 year old was able to voice both the practical rational aspect of his personality, and the emotional side too. The 14 year old was able to say “So what? How does this impact my life?” , a truth that is often hard for him to voice. L found the words for his ambivalence and his hope.

I sat, lumpish and doltish. Words that came out wrong, and I just wanted the session to be over, and to go to bed.

There is such beauty in the process of a full and centered Quaker threshing session. The boys and L experienced that, I think. I missed it. And everyone has signed off on the plan. The 18 year old will return.

clarity, or lack thereof

WORST – Long term plans. Short term needs. A body that exacts its own requirements.

Balance on a fulcrum of Way will open. Gently stretching for words that do not come.

the Way of mercy

BEST- Poached eggs. Toast. After the feasts of the holidays, the meals have been simple and plain and yummy. Even the 16 year old, for whom food has always been an important expression of love, has been settled and satisfied with the simplicity.

I awoke this morning thinking of the 16 year old as a little boy. My heart tender toward him, remembering how upset he was when his caretaker changed from a young woman who loved to cook, to a young man who loved to play.

“He’s fun, but he’s not a good cooker.” The then 5 year old cried as he snuggled on my lap.

“She made us sandwiches with pickles and mustard. He doesn’t do any of that.”

It was another lesson in hearing more than the words.

I’ve been trying to listen to more than the words lately too.

In the Nursing Home
Jane Kenyon

She is like a horse grazing
a hill pasture that someone makes
smaller by coming every night
to pull the fences in and in.

She has stopped running wide loops,
stopped even the tight circles.
She drops her head to feed; grass
is dust, and the creekbed’s dry.

Master, come with your light
halter. Come and bring her in.

contracts and boundaries

WORST – Contracts help take the pressure off relationships. I know that. I know boundaries and familial contracts are another way of ensuring principles before personalities.

But sometimes when the requirements of a contract are not met, and the resulting consequences are discussed, there is no protection from the ache of seeing someone hurt.

We were in the middle of that yesterday, we are in it today, and we will likely still be in it tomorrow and the day after. For a college funding requirement, we had a very high GPA standard to be met. 3.4 to be exact. Minus a calc class, that standard was met. With the calc class it wasn’t.

L and I have been sitting a lot with the contract, the failure, the next step. The 18 year old has been sitting with that too. And responding in far more mature and caring ways, to himself and to us, than I could have at his age.

Short term pain for long term gain sounds so good in theory; today, reality is that short term pain is painful to watch.

together

BEST- For our New Years celebratory dinner, the 14 year old and I made Beef Wellington (with a mushroom duxelles wrapping to replace the foisfoie gras) , Wilted Winter Greens, Black eyes peas, roasted potatoes.

Cooking for my family lost a lot of joy during 2008. Lack of energy and health complications led to lack of motivation. I was unable to find the energy to continue to buy locally, and sit down meals often seemed to end in arguments that further sapped my motivation. It was a hard year.

A bit before break, the 14 year old started watching cooking shows. He is a joy to work with in the kitchen, and an inspiration to watch as he sniffs the ingredients and cooks from a place of intuition and heart.

Our holiday meals were feasts this year, because of his inspiration and help, and the joy he brought into our kitchen, which certainly flavored the food. The meals were once again a place of good conversation, many toastings, and an overall feeling of gratitude.

While L and I spent time in meeting for worship in our living room on New Years day, the 14 year old prepared the mushroom duxelles in our kitchen. Did the smell of sauté and reduction add to our time in Holy Presence? Did the careful muted sounds that accompanied the smell help us to relax into the nurture of the Nurturing One?

My friend Stephanie has taught me much about culinary ministry. The 14 year old has also been a teacher of mine this holiday season.

Beef Wellington recipe