recoil

WORST

We shook on the bet last night. What was it about? How much was it for? Those immediately became inconsequential items. Because when L extended his hand to grab mine, the fit was imperfect, my fingers protested to the pressure, and I cried out in pain.

It wasn’t a full day, we went grocery shopping, finished up Christmas shopping, and cooked a bit. I was aware I was dragging, knew my joints were signaling that they were around, but I had no idea of the tenderness of my hands.

Neither did L. There are some who call autoimmune illness, especially RA and Lupus, invisible diseases. To look at me, you would not know that there days when it is hard to move, when the fatigue is thicker than molasses on a cold morning, when I hold my jaw a certain way and constantly remind my face to ease and soften.

The one constant about pain is that it causes an almost instinctive recoil response. People don’t want to hear about it, and when they cause pain they want to ensure they are never the agents of distress again.

I get that; I grew up with a sibling in pain. Memories of my toddler sons stumbling over her feet and the quick, sharp intake of breath to try and moderate the pain still grip my heart.

And yet L’s response of “I’ll never do that again” triggered another pain.

Comments

[Lisa]

It is such a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation. love to you.

[Erin Wilson]

Oh Anj. This is a beautiful and painful reminder of what it is to be in community with each other. I think we all cause unintended pain. It takes courage to continue knowing that, and being the bearer of pain... it takes courage to not only hold it but reflect it back (though I realize your 'reflecting' came as a body response). Thank you for sharing it.