BEST - Yesterday was Tuesday. That meant last night found me at Raja Yoga, my Tuesday night asana class and meditation practice. It is the place where I seem to be experiencing God the most vivid. Last night, the asana practice was hard. I felt weak, and my body was stiff and unbalanced.
I wondered if it was because of the writing I had done earlier, i wondered what I had done to cause such weakness, and then I quit wondering and gave myself to the practice, doing what I could and letting go of what I couldn’t. And yes, there was an element that was grateful I could be there at all, because there have been times in this journey with lupus and the resultant inflammatory arthritis where yoga practice was not even a bit in the picture.
And today, as I write the above, I feel the prana (loosely translated as energy) in my hands and it feels as if my body is thanking me for the practice and for the acceptance of limitations also. And I breathe back a thank you and a you’re welcome and a gentle exhalation of gratitude toward the Creator and the Inner Christ who is guiding me and teaching me in this journey of mind, body, spirit integration after so many years of disconnection.
But last night, I was not aware of the prana starting to move in my body, I was just cognizant of the weakness and the limitations. So when we settled into meditation, the four others there into the lotus pose, me on my zen bench, a modified form of kneeling, I was only wondering what the heck I was doing there and how would meditation be with my stiff knees and stiff body. I so often forget that it is my heart where connection with the Divine happens, and a pliable heart is more and more obtainable.
I settled into my quiet and spent the first few moments with my body lectio divina; the sacred reading of my body and started at my head, holding myself in the Light of the Risen Christ as I progressed down. Releasing tension as I felt it, relaxing my muscles, and where I had an awareness of energy blockage or joint stiffness holding that place in the Light and Power of Love. My expectations were not high. It was a practice of faithlessness to this small community and obedience to the One who brought me to this dance.
Yet, as I finished my body lectio divina, I found myself in a deep place. In my inner garden, with my Beloved. And we breathed together, and I relaxed in His arms. Then that sense disappated, and I moved effortlessly and without thinking into intersession for those who had recently died, and for those who felt left behind. It was one of those moments of wordless prayers, a simple extending of the Love of Christ to those in my mind and heart, nameless, faceless, shapeless and real all at the same time. I sat with that offering for a while, and then the Tingsha was rang, and the call was given for meditation to be over. And once again, I struggled to leave this place of connection.
As I start to write best and worst once again, I am struck by how often my times of quiet prayer, times of retirement, are my best. The start of these times are probably those I put off the most. And I am beginning to realize how often the best of these times are in a prayerful seeking community. Although i certainly define prayer and seeking much differently now then I did ten years ago.
For years, I have been holding the query, “Why do I resist giving myself the things I really want?” It is a query I continue to hold.